13 Jan 2010
Categorized As: diet, Hogzilla, Motivational

Fat isn’t just a state of body, it’s also a state of mind. And it’s a scary state of mind because once you start thinking of yourself as fat, it’s VERY hard to stop thinking of yourself that way.

I can’t remember a time when I didn’t think I was fat. Even when I was a fit 135 lb athlete in high school. I was curvy. I had hips. My coach didn’t approve…so I was fat.

And I’ve been ‘fat’ ever since.

The human mind is a funny thing. 5 years ago, when I was actually at my highest weight ever–a weight that actually (according to the charts for my height) considered MORBIDLY OBESE, I didn’t SEE myself as a fatgirl. Sure, I knew I was squeezing my thighs into the sausage casings I called pants..I knew I was refusing to buy size 20 (or probably 22) clothing. But for whatever reason, when I looked in the mirror, I didn’t see FAT.

But when I looked at pictures, I couldn’t avoid it anymore.

Big Sexy

This is the fat me. The me that for whatever reason I couldn’t see when I was actually that size, but now that I’m seriously almost 60lbs lighter, this is the me I see in my head now.

It’s fucked up. And not right. And I’m trying to fix that self image with this post.

I still have those same clothes so I had someone take pics of me in them so I can see for myself the progress that I’ve made and hopefully, eventually, I’ll fix the mental image.

Am I finished? Nope. I’ve got another 30 lbs to go. But am I still the fatgirl? Kinda. In my head. But I think it’s time I overcome that, don’t you?

Leave your Reply

  1. Deb says,

    Great job with the weight loss so far! keep going, you’re doing great…and isn’t that the truth about the head games we play with ourselves?!!

    dated January 13, 2010 at 5:06 pm

  2. Hogzilla says,

    Thanks, Deb! I’m excited about my progress. It really did help seeing the pictures to make it sink in, but yes, the way our minds play games with us is just bizarre!

    dated January 13, 2010 at 7:03 pm

  3. Maria says,

    You look awesome! And obviously Ruby thinks so too;)

    dated January 13, 2010 at 7:54 pm

  4. Gina Black says,

    You look simply marvelous!!

    dated January 13, 2010 at 10:10 pm

  5. Hogzilla says,

    you’re the best, Gina. <3 u.

    dated January 13, 2010 at 10:28 pm

  6. CarbKiller says,

    Seriously you look amazing! And red is totally your color!

    dated January 14, 2010 at 2:37 am

  7. Hogzilla says,

    Thanks u guys! I really feel good overall, but when I start getting down I have to keep reminding myself that I’ve come a long freaking way over the years. These pics helped that.

    dated January 14, 2010 at 12:18 pm

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