Hogzilla: Captain’s Log

Captain’s Diet Log: Day 1

It’s warming up in sector 17, and the planet is taking on new signs of life. We on earth, would call this spring-like weather. The cloak of darkness is lifting earlier in the evening now, and hopefully soon, we will be enjoying more daylight from the main star.

This was day 1 on my new food regimen. It wasn’t difficult because the weather made it easier for me to get outside and enjoy the day, therefore taking my mind off the driest chicken I’ve ever tried to eat. The fish I prepared was edible, and my First Mate seemed to thoroughly enjoy it, so I suppose we will program the replicator to prepare  it in the future.

The holodeck has been programmed to Hell on Earth personal training. I asked for Matt Damon to assist me, but his program was already being used. Sarah Silverman needs to leave him alone. Angel (ONHELL if you’re nasty) had me throwing a 3000 lb 10 lb medicine ball against the wall and then catching it and dropping my ass like it’s hot. Well, my ass is hot, but retrieving said ass from the floor isn’t necessarily an easy acheivement. We did this 15 times. There were tears mixed in with my sweat. Then it was onto step squats. In which I step onto a 1.5 foot high step, then squat down until I wanted to fall. Rinse. Repeat for 15 times. Next, ONHELL makes me do these weird pushups. You start in cobra position, push up to downard dog, bend your knees and come back down…all the while holding your core tight. As if that’s possible in any form of my reality. Holodeck you’re drunk. This turns out to be the most difficult of all the exercises. My T-Rex arm doesn’t want to do more than 6. It shakes and collapses. I am weak. After the pushups, we move to the Rowing machine, which I love. I always have. And the calorie burn is fantastic. Then curls and overhead shoulder press.

We do this circuit three times. Once the session ends, I have already mapped out the end of the holodeck. I try to destroy it, but it reminds me that it is pre-programed for the next 11 weeks, and there is nothing I can do about it.

The next 11 weeks are crucial for the success of this program. I will continue through the pain and monitor the progress. I hope my First Mate and the rest of my crew can live with the pain that I will be inflicting upon them. It isn’t fair, but I should not be made to suffer alone.

Tags: diet, exercise, health, Hogzilla, Personal Trainer, Star Trek